The 7 stages of moving

Stage one: Create a brilliant plan and set a budget


Relax. It’s all in the plan!

First, you make a plan. Not just any plan, but a Donald Trump-level plan — AKA the greatest plan in the world! This move is going to be different than your last move, because you were so ignorant back then. Now, you have your shit together. Now, you have 12 moves under your belt. You’ve learned! So this time, things will be easier. You talk yourself in circles figuring out every last detail, and spend way too much time convincing yourself that moving over a period of 2 weeks will definitely be easier than doing it in one shot. You won’t be stressed out, you tell yourself, because you’ll have so much time. SO. MUCH TIME. Luxurious time! You dismiss the nagging thought that dragging your move out might prolong your stress rather than relieve it. Your plan will surely save you!

Stage two: Make a pact with partner/roommate


“I totally promise never to snap at you.”

Before you really start packing, you take your partner’s (or roommate’s!) face in your hands and you promise not to turn on them. “Let’s not let the stress get to us!” you say. “Let’s make sure we make time for one another. Let’s try to have fun with this.” At this point, you still naively believe in your perfect plan, and that everything will go smoothly. You are gushing with excitement for your new life and are still a few weeks out from being buried in boxes. Being kind to one another through all of this seems somehow feasible. You have your priorities in order and your ducks in a row. Continue reading


Moving has set my brain on fire (in a good way!)


Moving got me like

I’m moving this week. So as you can imagine, I’ve been kind of freaking out. Ok, so I’m only moving about three blocks away from my current house. But still! Moving is a lot. Especially if you are a person with anxiety and being in a state of upheaval causes you to temporarily lose your damn mind. There is so much to keep track of; so much to remember. As a side note, I have no idea how military families do this like all the time (RESPECT!). But of course, I digress.

The reason we decided to move was to downsize significantly. Or current house, which I’ve written about before, is both huge and crazy. The rooms are gigantic and some of them have a single purpose (like the music room, or the bar room). When I left NYC to move to the Jersey Shore, I wanted ALL. OF. THE. SPACE. But once Dave and I had to actually clean all of the space, it didn’t seem so glamorous and attractive anymore. I do love having a place where I can entertain large groups of friends in the summer. Many of my people inevitably want to escape their insane city lives for a weekend of easy living at the beach come June. But for the other 42-ish weekends of the year, when it’s mostly only Dave and I, we’re usually just wandering around in these gigantic rooms, wondering how we’re going to get the house under control.

Yes, “under control” is the phrase we typically use. And that’s to say nothing of actually getting ahead. There is no getting ahead when you live in a giant, hundred-year-old house that has a mind of its own. You simply trail from behind and try to put out fires as you go (the metaphorical kind of fires, of course… we’re not pyromaniacs or anything). There are about a million projects I would very much like to do, but it’s impossible to find time for them when we spend so much time just catching up on the chores.


Me on the morning of cleaning day.

When Dave first mentioned wanting to move because our current place was too much work, I scoffed: “You obviously have amnesia about how terrible moving is. Cleaning this house for the rest of our lives might actually be easier.” He dropped it, but the seed was planted.  Continue reading

6 Amazing Things About Living in a Beach Town

Greetings, indeed!

Greetings, indeed!

Just over a year ago, I took a huge leap of faith and moved from New York City to the smallish beach community of Asbury Park, New Jersey. Never in all my life did I think I would move to New Jersey, let alone the Shore of all places. When I first told my city friends I’d be moving here, a lot of them were shocked and/or horrified. A few of them were willing to put money on the fact that I’d be moving back to the city within a year. I’m happy to report that not only did I make it through a full year of #JerseyShoreLife, but I also thoroughly enjoy the lifestyle. I intend to stay, at least for the next couple of years. Here are just a few great things about living at the Jersey Shore (or any beach town, really):

1. It’s so chill: After living in the city for eleven years, I must say the chill factor of living at the beach is a welcome change. That’s not to say I didn’t love the hustle and bustle of city life. At times, it filled me to my brim with inspiration and energy. But after my mother died, I really needed to slow down, and to take time to take care of myself. Amid the screaming, never-sleeping city and hectic schedules that make planning a coffee date with a friend a two-months-in-advance affair, I felt unbalanced and exhausted. The city was moving quickly around me, while I stood still. Many of my friends didn’t have time for my grief, and I couldn’t even blame them. I understood the fast-paced lifestyle well, and had been swept up in it many times before, neglecting friends who were going through something; too stuck in the busy trap to see my way out. I simply needed a change; to live a slower lifestyle. These days, when I feel out of sorts or anxious, I simply walk 4 blocks to the beach, and let the waves calm me. I take long strolls on the boardwalk, exploring my thoughts, and stopping to jot down ideas in my journal. I hike at least twice a week at nearby parks, relishing in the luxury of being alone in the woods. I ride my bike everywhere without worrying about getting mowed down by an overly enthusiastic cab driver. I’ve reached a new state of zen, and it’s helping bring clarity and quiet to my anxious, grieving mind.

2. The local culture: One of the nice things about moving to a vacation town is that there’s usually a defining local culture for you to immerse yourself in. The Jersey Shore is filled with tiny towns that each have their own unique culture. As a newcomer, I am still learning to understand these micro-cultures. But one thing I do know: this setup allows for endless exploration. There are religious towns, artistic towns, hippie towns, health-conscious towns, family-friendly dry towns, bumping hookup culture towns, MTV reality show-worthy towns, and pretty much everything in between.

Here in Asbury Park (home of the world’s largest Zombie Walk), we’ve got hipness with a great cultural mix: Music, nightlife, art, food, diversity. We have art galleries, an art house cinema, a paranormal bookshop, several psychic outposts, the historic Asbury Lanes (a bowling alley/punk music venue hybrid), a pinball museum/arcade, a gigantic rooftop beer garden, the famous Stone Pony, a music academy and recording studio, bars and restaurants for every taste and diet, and some really beautiful and iconic buildings from years passed. We also have Wonder Bar, which hosts a daily “Yappy Hour,” where dogs run around a sandy dog park as their pup-parents enjoy outdoor beverages. This place is essentially an adult theme park.

The iconic Convention Hall

The iconic Convention Hall

3. The Hustle is Real: In a town like Asbury Park, there are a good number of city refugees like me, who came here to calm the heck down and enjoy a slower lifestyle. But then there are the hustlers — the folks who are living off of the local tourist economy. Everyone here has a big idea or aspiration, and they’re working their butts off to bring their dreams to life. Businesses are constantly opening and closing around town, and there’s always someone in line who’s finally ready to open that yoga studio or brewery they’ve always talked about. Just in the past few weeks, we’ve had three local openings: a gourmet donut shop, a wellness studio, and a collaborative market for artists, independent shops and designers. Soon to come is a new food truck court next to the boardwalk. There are so many movers, shakers, creatives, entrepreneurs, hustlers, and jack-of-all-trades in a vacation town. These doers bring the energy — they are the pulsing heartbeat of the town. These people inspire me every day, keep me on my toes (lest I let the “chill” take over my brain and stop bothering to move forward!) and make this town an awesome, unique place to live.

4. The natural beauty does not suck. I mean. It’s the beach. It never gets old. Ever. If you think otherwise, you clearly have no soul. Do you hate puppies too?

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Fall 2014, Asbury Park. It’s just hideous, isn’t it?!

5. The off-season is so peaceful: When I decided to move to the Jersey Shore, my NYC friends had a lot of questions. “Won’t the winter be depressing?” “But like, is there anything to DO there once summer ends?” “Do we need to have an intervention with you?” I was a little concerned that the off-peak months would be weird or eerie, but I’m happy to report that the ocean does not, in fact, become hideously ugly or a terrible place to visit once beach badge season has passed. In fact, my favorite time here is what is called “locals’ summer.” After Labor Day, when all of the beach shops are packed up and the restaurants begin operating on off-season schedules, the locals all come out to play. Everyone in town is in a good mood, because 1), they’ve stacked some change for winter hibernation and 2), they’re finally able to enjoy the beach rather than working 24/7 to make sure the tourists are enjoying themselves all summer. Plus, the water’s still warm enough for swimming and you don’t need a beach badge to get on the sand (one thing that IS difficult to adjust to: one day in May, you’re able to go onto the public beach as you please and the next day, there’s suddenly a bouncer there asking for your rather expensive beach badge!). Last fall, I swam in the ocean almost daily until mid-October, because the water was over 70 degrees! All of my Facebook friends were posting pictures of their pumpkin spiced lattes and orchard-visiting adventures, and I was down here at the beach, catching waves on my boogie board, pretending summer would never end. Other great things about the off-season? You can ride your bike on the boardwalk. Dogs are allowed all over the boards and the beach (and trust me when I say, there are SO. MANY. CUTE. DOGS. EVERYWHERE). There are a surprising number of cultural events around town, plus live music always and forever (Asbury Park IS a music town after all). Also, the restaurants calm down a little bit and you no longer need reservations or to plan ahead. Bottom line: the town is your oyster in the off-season!

6. The energy of peak-season is palpable. Now that I’ve lived here through every season, I can officially say that summer is still my favorite. Throughout the Spring, I watched excitedly each week as businesses re-opened their doors, and put up signs reading “BACK FOR SUMMER!” Now that we’ve passed Memorial Day, everything is open (and those aforementioned hustlers are putting the final touches on their new projects/openings for summer 2015!) and the town is absolutely bustling. Sure, the boardwalk can be a little bit crowded, and you may not be able to get into your favorite restaurant at the last minute, but the energy is absolutely contagious. For a few glorious months, I get to live in what feels like a real (albeit tiny) city. The beach is amazingly full-of-life and inviting, and there are outdoor concerts, nighttime movies and bonfires on the beach, food festivals, nighttime bazaars, and so many other events. Besides, I have the entire off-season to have the place to myself; to do as I please, eat where I want, and ride my bike on the boards with impunity. But summer, sweet summer, is about enjoying this amazing gift that we have in our tiny town, and sharing it with everybody else who wants to enjoy it . . . in all its weirdness and beauty.

I can’t say that I’m going to stay here forever, or that it’s all sunshine and rainbows every minute. But I can say that this town has stolen my heart, and I’m not going anywhere any time soon. 🙂

My Life is Forever Changed, and I’m Starting to Be Ok with That

I have been putting off writing this. Partly, because writing is giving yourself, and I haven’t had very much to give. But mostly, it’s because I believed that some a-ha moment would arrive when I would magically feel like myself again, and writing would come easily. No such luck, so far.

That’s not to say that I haven’t written. I have. My words are scrolled across several journals, trying desperately to make sense of “the new normal.” Or secretly hoping that all this new is temporary — that eventually I will feel comfort in my own skin again, and writing a feel-good blog will seem like the right thing.

But the truth is, everything has changed. I’ve changed. The most important bond I have ever known was broken when my mother died. I have had to learn a new form of adulthood I am neither comfortable with, nor like very much, if I’m being honest.

And with my mother’s passing came many complications for my circumstances — including me losing my home in the Upper West Side of New York City (more on that another time). So after 11 years, I’m no longer a New Yorker, or even a city-dweller, really. With little choice, I packed my newly-inherited things into a 20-foot moving truck and landed 60 miles south of the city in Asbury Park, New Jersey, where I now live with my boyfriend, Dave. This marks the first time I have ever lived with a significant other, and certainly the first time I’ve ever felt I actually had one.

We also got a cat, Penny (adopted from my “wife,” Bonnie, whose fiancé Jeff has terrible allergies). Oh, and I live in an actual house for the first time since I was a teenager, gleefully bucking the Connecticut suburbs for the big apple.

Today, there is virtually nothing I recognize about my life, and few places of comfort to turn; few things that haven’t changed as rapidly as I have.

And that’s ok.

With the changes have come many lessons. And the lesson which brought me back here, to my long-neglected blog was this: there is no better life waiting for me around the corner. Or rather, if there is, it’s not going to present itself while I twiddle my thumbs feeling bad for myself. I think we all fall into the trap of “around the corner” mentality. “Once I finish school, I will know what I want to do with my life and everything will be clear.” Or, “Once I lose weight, I’ll be happy with myself.” Or, “If only I could meet the right person, my life would be complete.”

It’s a natural sentiment, but it also robs us of today. If I’m being honest with myself, I know that no new dawn will fill the void that my mother’s passing left. No change in my zip code will automatically make me feel anew. And no, living at the beach and having more space (while definitely having many perks) will not magically make me a happier person.

I’m finally starting to accept that what I have in front of me is everything. It’s rarely ever perfect, but it’s mine. Now. And it can be taken in a moment, as I was reminded yet again this week by the sudden and untimely passing of an acquaintance I adored.

The present is a gift (heh, see what I did there?) and although I’m currently sad as hell, I don’t want to squander it. If I’m taken tomorrow, I don’t want to be remembered as someone who was living her life in limbo, hoping to feel better before she tackled anything of significance. I want to be remembered as someone who took life by the reigns… er, whatever the hell that means.

So I’m going to stop waiting for some mythical time when my life will be better, or I’ll feel “together” enough to share it through writing. This is where I’m at right now — this messy, scary, ever-changing, sad-but-sometimes-amazing-and-much-of-the-time-HILARIOUS place.

I think I’ll stay awhile.